i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
