Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
