I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
