It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
