I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
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We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
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I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize