You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
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