so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
