I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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