i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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