I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
