yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
