I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
