i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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