I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
