if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
is it fun? or sober?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
