I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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