Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
