I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
