I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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