apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
