I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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