I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
