Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
