the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
