I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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