Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
