your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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