I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
