This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
