In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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