i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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