if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
