My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
