Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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