i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
