Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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