Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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