I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
