If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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