I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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