giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
