i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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