I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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