I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
