apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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