Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
