He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
