it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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