ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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