I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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