i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
