You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
