We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
