3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
