Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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