Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
