Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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