Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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