I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
