Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
where does the pee come out of this thing
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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