i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Church boner. Awkwardddd
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
